Friday, January 28, 2011

Another Reason to Cancel the Washington Post

Sorry to have to announce my divorce from the Washington Post's Style Invitational again, but this does it.

Once a year, contestants are asked to make up humorous rhymes about people who have died in the previous year. And once again, this particular contest to which I devote hours and skill, has no room for me. So, for the presumed amusement of Dear Reader, and to memorialize my ego, ., here are the ones I submitted that got no recognition whatsoever, followed by links to the excruciatingly just-as- or less funny ones..

Agathe von Trapp
Agathe “Liesl” von Trapp,
Joining the ranks of “the late”
Died at age 97,
While going on 98.
Bobby Thomson
Heroic Bobby Thomson is now the Field of Dreams’ newest tenant
His homer let the Giants win the pennant, THE GIANTS WIN THE PENNANT!

Fess Parker
Kil’t hisself a b’ar when he was only 3,
Impressing the hell out of gullible me

James J. Kilpatrick
This wordsmith would never begin a sentence with “but.”
But he inspired the phrase, “Jane, you ignorant slut.”

June Havoc
It’s a shame that Fame’s fortune missed her
And gave it instead to her sister

Jimmy Dean
Jimmy Dean would have been a lawmaker top grade
‘Cause he was an expert on how sausage is made

Eddie Fisher
Eddie Fisher pleaded to God with a bow
“If I ever needed you, I need you now.”

Eddie Fisher
Ironic that from this playa
Sprang someone named Princess Leia

Jerry Bock (Fiddler on the Roof)
He gave us tunes everyone can hum
Daidle daidle -- deedle daidle dum

Tony Curtis
Wide- ranging actor, hubby of Janet Leigh’s.
In “Spartacus” spoke Latin in Brooklynese

Art Linkletter
Art Linkletter received his angel wings
For not letting kids say the *@&$!& things.

James MacArthur
Danno, the cop, was not overlooked
In Heaven, where he was promptly booked

Anatoly Dobrynin
The “spy vs. spy” games he had some skin in.
“Dasvidania,” Anatoly Dobrynin

Robert Byrd
Legendary Senator Bob Byrd, goodbye
For the last time you have adjourned sine die

Alexander Haig
Alexander Haig has answered the roll
In a place where he is not in control

Peter Graves
Peter Graves, who is well named for this rhyme,
Is in his own for a really long time

They say airplane disasters happen in threes
True for the Neilsens, Graveses, Billingsleys

Arthur Penn
Last year among the celebrities who died
Was the guy who glamorized Bonnie and Clyde

Dino De Laurentiis
Since Disney’s motif was in loco parentis
The rest of us could watch Dino De Laurentiis

Bob Feller
If there’s hope for the Nats escaping the cellar
Stephen Strasburg better reincarnate Feller

Ted Stevens
After he died in a crash from the air
He finally crossed a bridge to Somewhere

Dennis Hopper
After blazing a trail from overdose to overdose ,
Who thought he’d campaign for conservative politicos?

Patricia Neal
She overcame obstacles -- acting and medic’lly--
Co-starred with Reagan, an actor, theoretic’lly

George Blanda
George Blanda made field goals and it took more than luck, it
Took skill and a strong leg, but he still kicked the bucket

Jaime Escalante
Jaime Escalante, his passing makes me quiver;
Had cancer of de bladder and not of deliver

David Dortort (producer of Bonanza)
The Ponderosa’s creator? That’s
Brooklyn-born David Solomon Katz

Kevin McCarthy
Eulogy said under the church steeple:
“Wish he’d fought, instead, the iPod people”

Doug Feiger (“My Sharona”)
Feiger immortalized his girlfriend in rhyme
Now he can sing that damn song a really long time

Judge for yourself whether any of these deserved mention. Look under header, "Results from Week 901." and under

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