Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and
Hillary Clinton.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when
Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did
business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we
can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist,
but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of
international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and
our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions
against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, ; but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time
allies, then demand their cooperation and money. ;
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but
providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and
insurance companies have the best interests of the public at
heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science,
but creationism should be taught in schools. A president lying
about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a
president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands
die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring
the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades,
but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless
you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you
need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states' rights, but the Attorney General can tell
states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest,
but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
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