Monday, March 12, 2007

D.C. Droppings -- VII

Bedtime for Gonzo

What an “only-in-America” story!

A young man, one of eight children whose grandparents illegally entered the country, whose parents were poor but humble and living in Humble, TX, goes to law school and rises to become a white-shoe lawyer in the nation’s fourth largest city, consigliere to a prominent businessman, lawyer for the governor of the nation’s third largest state, state Supreme Court justice, counsel to the president and then attorney general of the United States.

And a divorced Catholic, Air Force Academy dropout, and plunderer of freedom every bit as contemptible as the convicted felon who as Richard Nixon’s attorney general threatened to put the Washington Post’s publisher’s “tits through a wringer.” Where do Republicans find these slimeballs? Oh, yes, from corporate law.

The chief legal officer of the United States of America was just another affirmative action-hire and one of the lesser lights in the practice of law when he hitched his mule to George’s Bush’s star. He is now about to be out on his ass, a Dios gracias.

Warren Harding had Nan Britton. JFK had Marilyn Monroe and a Mafia moll. Bill Clinton had Monica. And George W. Bush has Alberto Gonzales.

Gonzales has not done anything illegal, so far – except lie to Congress, and who doesn’t do that! Attorneys general are, indeed, appointed because they are trusted political operators who, at day’s end, try to keep the president out of jail. Sometimes they are even the brother of the president. But once in office, the attorney general, like the 93 chief federal prosecutors of any president’s party, are supposed to serve the law first. In the Bush administration, they serve everything BUT the law.

It comes out now that presidential gauleiter Karl Rove ordered the firing of U.S. attorneys after Gonzales fiddled with the law to appoint replacements without Senate confirmation. Why were these prosecutors all fired around the same time? The Justice Department said they were not doing their jobs well. And how right Gonzales was! They were failing to protect criminal Republicans from justice.

In the prime examples, one prosecutor was fired after convicting a Republican congressman of bribery, indicting the third highest-ranking CIA official and investigating the top Republican on the House Appropriations Committee. Another was fired after two Republican members of Congress pressured him, unsuccessfully, to prosecute a Democrat right before last November’s election. A Republican U.S. attorney in New Jersey, who was not fired, tried to insert a questionable federal investigation into the campaign to defeat a Democratic senator.

Alberto Gonzales views the Constitution as just a minor impediment to Bush’s plan to take our freedoms and give it to the Muslim butchers in Iraq.

So far, Gonzales has accomplished only the following:

-- Got then-Gov. Bush out of jury duty on a drunken driving case in order to prevent Bush’s own drunken driving record from being made public.

-- Counseled against pardons and in favor of Texas’ nation-leading record executions.

-- Drafted Bush’s sneak attack on the Freedom of Information Act that by presidential fiat sealed public records of his father’s presidency.

-- Wrote an opinion that the Geneva Conventions do not apply to the war on terrorism.

-- Presided over the illegal detention without charges of hundreds of foreigners and at least one U.S. citizen and condoned torture and the rendition of undesirables to countries that do torture people at the behest of the United States.

-- Supervised a massive invasion of privacy of tens of thousands of Americans’ phone and credit records without court order.

I predict that this dingleberry on the rectum of the Bush administration will soon be gone. Because Alberto Gonzales is to law what Newt Gingrich is to fidelity; what Strom Thurmond was to racial tolerance; what Henry Kissinger is to the principles of Nuremberg; what Bill O’Reilly is to the human race.

And he will be gone because now he is making even conservatives retch.


In case you missed it, Vice President Cheney today again called Democrats and opponents of the Iraq War servants of the terrorists who believe in a “slow bleed” policy. First of all, “slow bleed” is a phrase invented by a news reporter who later confessed he was on deadline and falsely attributed it to Democrats. Second of all, if anyone knows about bleeding it is Deadeye Dick Cheney with a shotgun and a malfunctioning heart.

Cheney’s old company, Halliburton, you recall, supplied the top executives for the company the Army was forced to hire to run Walter Reed Army Medical Center outpatient care. And that great American corporation, whose historical profit motive has been to get America into wars, has just decamped from Houston to that paragon of democracy, Dubai.


They finally fired the guy most responsible for the abominations at Walter Reed. And they put in charge of a commission to investigate former Senator Bobdole, who once famously referred to “four Democrat wars this (20th) century.” He was referring to World War I, World War II, Korea and Vietnam. I once heard Dole reminisce about his service in World War II, grievously wounded in a foxhole, “cursing Roosevelt.”

His co-chair is Democrat Donna Shalala, whose crime against humanity is tolerating thuggery by athletes at the University of Miami, which she presides over.

Shut Up, Peter

Speaking of the armed forces, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Peter Pace, informs us that homosexuality is immoral. If my name were Peter and the word “joint” were in my title, I would stay away from such subjects. At least in public.

The military's belief in the immorality of homosexuals is the reason that it has almost no one who speaks Arabic. Many of the Arabic translators were all cashiered because they are gay.

Screw the Energizer Bunny

The time changed again this past weekend and every radio and television station advised you to use the event to change the batteries in your smoke detector. A little bizarre since DST is no longer six months long. It was lengthened supposedly to save energy, but the real reason is now extends until November is the candy industry lobbied Congress to make it lighter later for kids to go trick-or-treating on Oct. 31.

Anyway, even when DST was six months long, where did this thing about smoke detector batteries come from? Why the battery industry, of course! I remember clearly, as a new home owner in the ‘70s, that these new devices advertised batteries lasting for a whole year. Are the batteries any less powerful 30 years later? Or are you being rooked by the Energizer Bunny? And don’t smoke detectors make an ugly sound when the battery is getting low?

Haven’t seen the Energizer Bunny lately. Have you? Apparently he died with a smile on his face after someone put his batteries in backwards and he kept coming and coming and coming.

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