Dodger Blue Language

Haven’t had so much fun at a ballgame in a long time. It wasn’t just that through a friend of Jon’s we got to sit in the first row behind the Dodgers’ dugout; it wasn’t just that it was Steven Strasburg’s long-heralded return a year after major surgery; it wasn’t that he pitched five scoreless innings, giving up two hits and striking out four; it wasn’t that the game was not well attended due to rain, which held up the game for 30 minutes during the 7^th inning.

It was because Jon was in his finest form, and I wasn’t too bad, either, in the art of heckling the visiting team, the home plate umpire and the home team Nats. We could be heard! And we were not profane and not threatening. We were damned amusing, actually, and it is part of American sports fan history to needle the visitors and hope to unnerve them just a little – if not engage with those multimillionaires whom you usually see only from a distance far greater than about the 10 feet we were from the vaunted Dodgers.

However, the fascist freedom-hating jackbooted security officials hired by the Nationals to dim the fan’s experience, actually warned a group of us fans to stop heckling because “they’re tired of it.” We could not get an answer as to who “they” were – the umpires (with whom we engaged in light banter on their way in and out of the weather stoppage), the Nats who struck out an amazing 17 times or the Dodgers themselves who either ignored us, or in the case of Dee Gordon interacted with us with a smile and a souvenir baseball for Jon’s soon-to-be- born son, or in the case of my newfound favorite pitcher and Cy Young Award candidate Clayton Kershaw, who turned around and told us, “I think it’s funny.” Apparently he was referring to comments about a rookie teammate’s awful haircut, or about Jon’s needle-sharp review of the home plate umpire, which someone who has pitched could pull off.

However, potential MVP candidate Matt Kemp, who makes $7.1-million-a-year, was not so amused, which was made evident when after the Dodgers finally went ahead he yelled to a group of fans, “Shut up you motherfucking sons of bitches.” (Note: anyone with entrée to Major League Baseball’s discipline chief Joe Torre, feel free to repost this.)

I’m not sure whether this was before or after Jon yelled into the celebrating Dodger dugout, “So you’re celebrating beating the Nationals in September. That’s sad.”

In fairness, Kemp might possibly have been irritated at the relentless reminders from fans near the dugout about his one-time relationship with Rihanna. Whoever that is.

The serious part is that this is not the first time that employees of the Nationals have told fans when we could stand and cheer and when we could not and what we could or could not say in a public forum that supposedly encourages fan-player interaction. And next week they will ask me to plunk down another full season’s worth of not-so-cheap tickets. I am wondering for what.

Another Reason to Cancel the Washington Post

Sorry to have to announce my divorce from the Washington Post's Style Invitational again, but this does it.

Once a year, contestants are asked to make up humorous rhymes about people who have died in the previous year. And once again, this particular contest to which I devote hours and skill, has no room for me. So, for the presumed amusement of Dear Reader, and to memorialize my ego, ., here are the ones I submitted that got no recognition whatsoever, followed by links to the excruciatingly just-as- or less funny ones..


Agathe von Trapp
Agathe “Liesl” von Trapp,
Joining the ranks of “the late”
Died at age 97,
While going on 98.
.
Bobby Thomson
Heroic Bobby Thomson is now the Field of Dreams’ newest tenant
His homer let the Giants win the pennant, THE GIANTS WIN THE PENNANT!

Fess Parker
Kil’t hisself a b’ar when he was only 3,
Impressing the hell out of gullible me

James J. Kilpatrick
This wordsmith would never begin a sentence with “but.”
But he inspired the phrase, “Jane, you ignorant slut.”

June Havoc
It’s a shame that Fame’s fortune missed her
And gave it instead to her sister

Jimmy Dean
Jimmy Dean would have been a lawmaker top grade
‘Cause he was an expert on how sausage is made

Eddie Fisher
Eddie Fisher pleaded to God with a bow
“If I ever needed you, I need you now.”

Eddie Fisher
Ironic that from this playa
Sprang someone named Princess Leia

Jerry Bock (Fiddler on the Roof)
He gave us tunes everyone can hum
Daidle daidle -- deedle daidle dum

Tony Curtis
Wide- ranging actor, hubby of Janet Leigh’s.
In “Spartacus” spoke Latin in Brooklynese

Art Linkletter
Art Linkletter received his angel wings
For not letting kids say the *@&$!& things.

James MacArthur
Danno, the cop, was not overlooked
In Heaven, where he was promptly booked

Anatoly Dobrynin
The “spy vs. spy” games he had some skin in.
“Dasvidania,” Anatoly Dobrynin

Robert Byrd
Legendary Senator Bob Byrd, goodbye
For the last time you have adjourned sine die

Alexander Haig
Alexander Haig has answered the roll
In a place where he is not in control

Peter Graves
Peter Graves, who is well named for this rhyme,
Is in his own for a really long time

Multiple
They say airplane disasters happen in threes
True for the Neilsens, Graveses, Billingsleys

Arthur Penn
Last year among the celebrities who died
Was the guy who glamorized Bonnie and Clyde

Dino De Laurentiis
Since Disney’s motif was in loco parentis
The rest of us could watch Dino De Laurentiis

Bob Feller
If there’s hope for the Nats escaping the cellar
Stephen Strasburg better reincarnate Feller

Ted Stevens
After he died in a crash from the air
He finally crossed a bridge to Somewhere

Dennis Hopper
After blazing a trail from overdose to overdose ,
Who thought he’d campaign for conservative politicos?

Patricia Neal
She overcame obstacles -- acting and medic’lly--
Co-starred with Reagan, an actor, theoretic’lly

George Blanda
George Blanda made field goals and it took more than luck, it
Took skill and a strong leg, but he still kicked the bucket

Jaime Escalante
Jaime Escalante, his passing makes me quiver;
Had cancer of de bladder and not of deliver

David Dortort (producer of Bonanza)
The Ponderosa’s creator? That’s
Brooklyn-born David Solomon Katz

Kevin McCarthy
Eulogy said under the church steeple:
“Wish he’d fought, instead, the iPod people”

Doug Feiger (“My Sharona”)
Feiger immortalized his girlfriend in rhyme
Now he can sing that damn song a really long time

Judge for yourself whether any of these deserved mention. Look under header, "Results from Week 901." and under http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/01/27/AR2011012706435.html?sid=ST2011012803514

32 Chuckles

I am not one to pass on, or even laugh at, most widely circulated e-mail lists of supposed funny things. But someone whose judgment I admire enough to have opened her forward proved correct that the following thoughts are worth a chuckle (or a sob.)

I would add only one thought to it: People who compose lists of funny things should cut the list in half before hitting the send button to make sure only the A material survives. With that, here is a list of thoughts, with No. 1 and No. 19 my favorites:

32 Thought-Provoking Statements - author unknown:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

News From the Future

Oct. 15, 2009 – The H1N1 “swine flu” pandemic that began in Mexico this spring and leveled off during the summer, claimed it’s 1 millionth victim yesterday, a Florida child whose parents led the successful fight against “bureaucrats telling us how to run our lives.”

With the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention prepared to distribute 300 million doses of flu vaccine before the start of the school year, Congress froze funding for it because, as Rep. Virginia Foxx, R-NC said, it represented “an unwarranted intrusion into the rights of parents and a shocking loss of freedom for real Americans to determine their own health needs.”

Opposition also came from groups believing that childhood vaccinations cause homosexuality, herpes and halitosis.

Although government health experts were joined by Treasury Department officials in warning that a pandemic the likes of which have not been seen since 1919 could kill recovery from the Depression, others, like the Cato Institute, argued successfully that “losing society’s weakest members would provide long-term stability to the insurance industry.”

Chocolate Peril

The following is the kind of headline and story that trips the b.s. detector of anyone who has been in journalism for a day. Stories like this abound, cooked up by mischievous desk sergeants and sometimes even grizzled news people.

Unfortunately for Mr. Smith, named below, it appears to be true, despite appearing in the headline "news" section of American Online.

Man Falls Into Vat of Chocolate, Dies
AP CAMDEN, N.J. (July 8) – Authorities say a man died after falling into a vat of melted chocolate in a New Jersey processing plant.

The Camden County prosecutor's office identified the victim as 29-year-old Vincent Smith II of Camden. He was a temporary worker at the Cocoa Services Inc. plant.

The accident happened Wednesday morning as Smith was loading chocolate into a vat where it's melted and mixed before being shipped elsewhere to be made into candy.

Prosecutor's spokesman Jason Laughlin says a co-worker tried to shut off the machine and two others tried to pull Smith out of the 8-foot-deep vat. He was hit and fatally injured by the agitator that mixes the chocolate.

Why do I think this is funny? Because it reminds me of an old Smothers Brothers routine about what to do if you should actually fall into a vat of chocolate and require assistance. Tommy Smothers pointed out one should yell, "Fire," because no one would respond if you yelled "Chocolate." Impeccable logic.

Which also reminds me ...

Once we were at cineplex when the fire alarm went off and the building had to be evacuated. As the firefighters were tending to an overheated popcorn machine, I got to live out a civil libertarian's dream and yelled "Theater" in a crowded fire.

Nerd Prom

That's what the call the annual White House Correspondents' Dinner each spring where several thousand media types bring famous guests to hear the president be funny.

A generation ago, I went, and even snagged a Cabinet secretary and a good table one year, and felt like the gawker that so many of the snooty newspeople really are at heart -- jocksniffers. A generation ago, the celebs were government officials. Now the celebs are really celebs. After some low-grade invitations during the Bush era, this year's dinner was chock full of A-listers.

In the past few years my son has replaced the Allen family as a representative at these affairs, where news organizations pay a grand or more per table and everyone dresses up for the spring soiree, hence the appellation "Nerd Prom." The younger Allen was seated at a table with Christian Slater, and I only know him from a small part on one season of "The West Wing," but apparently, despite being 40, is well known to the younger crowd and, apparently, to women. So, I didn't hear anything gossipy about the dinner.

However, I am pleased to report that President Obama is a great stand-up comedian. Yeah, yeah, he has the best joke writers available, but as we all know the secret to comedy is timing.

Here are some of his better one-liners: (Click the links below to judge for yourself.)

-"In the next 100 days I will learn to go off the prompter, and Joe Biden will learn to stay on the prompter."

-"In the next 100 days our bipartisan outreach will be so successful that even John Boehner* will consider becoming a Democrat ... After all we have a lot in common. He is a person of color... although not a color that appears in the natural world."

-"In the next 100 days we will house train our dog Bo. Because the last thing Tim Geithner needs is someone else treating him like a fire hydrant."

-"We had been rivals during the campaign. But these days we could not be closer. In fact, the second she got back from Mexico, she pulled me into a hug and gave me a big kiss. Told me I had better get down there myself."

--"Tomorrow is mothers day. I do have to say, this is a tough holiday for Rahm** because he is not used to saying the word 'day' after 'mother.'"

* -- Boehner is the Republican leader in the house and sports a permanent tan, making him a worthy successor to George Hamilton IV.

** -- Rahm Emanuel is the president's chief of staff, known for never mincing words. Emanuel lost is middle finger in a childhood accident, which caused Obama to remark on an earlier occasion that it rendered his aide speechless.

There is also always a professional comedian on the bill, and I have in the past seen a young Jay Leno and an old Mort Sahl. This time it was Wanda Sykes, who I do not think is funny at all.

But she did note that Obama is so protected by the news media he is never pictured smoking but is always portrayed bare-chested.

This event is worthless, but it is pretty much the Washington equivalent of Oscar night. Except the tinsel makers of Hollywood can't kill you.

Here, after the dinner, Obama meets with Rupert Murdoch:

Get Thee Behind Me, Empress

Back in the early ‘70s, the literati – namely young Washington journalists with too much time on their hands – began playing a game called, “Stennis, Anyone,” in which you strung together the names of congressmen and senators to come up with funny names for legislation.

Stennis, of course, was the racist from Mississippi, but, hey, the name worked. One of the best examples was something like the Fong Hong Spong Long Hong Kong bell bill. Or the Bible Church Bell Tower bill to do something for religion.

This kind of word game has been a specialty of mine and it is the biennial version of it that inspires my best work for the Style Invitational. It is my favorite right next to the annual competition, see last week’s The Nitty Gritty posting, to make funny couplets about the previous year’s crop of dead people.

Tomorrow morning the results of the legislative bill-names contest are published. And all I got was a shared mention with another contestant, using his (or the Empress') wording, but not mine.

Empress, I divorce thee.

No more entries, no more brain teasing, no more Empress, and basically since I am not reading the print version much any more, no more Post subscription.

Judge for yourself as to whether any of these deserved mention.

Bright-Cao resolution to replace Rudolph on Santa’s sleigh team

Kissell-Massa resolution to improve civil discourse in the House.

Austria-Shock trooper provision banning military training to neo-Nazi governments.

Harper-Lee bill to protect the species Mimus polyglottos

Schauer-Shock bill to prevent home water heaters from exceeding 120 degrees.

Kaufman-Coffman hernia research bill

Hunter-Lujan-Begich-Udall-Udall- anti-nepotism bill

Peters-Hunter Capitol Page School Protection Act

Risch-Fudge diabetes research bill

Adler-Coffman-Kaufman-Dahlkemper-Driehaus-Franken-Heinrich-Leutkemeyer-Schauer-Schock-Schrader-Risch-Austria “Talk Like a Teuton Day” Resolution.

Fleming-Coffman lung congestion relief act

Austria-Posey act to replace the edelweiss as the national flower

Lance-Peters anti-torture bill.

Risch-Paulsen amendment limiting treasury secretaries to net worths of $10 million.

Udall-Udall-Warner tax relief for the start-up Warner Cousins movie studio.

Franken-Paulsen amendment to publicly finance campaigns of actual comedians.

Pingree-Lee bill to honor the contributions to children’s television of Pincus Leff.

Kosmas-Hunter bill renaming the Naval Observatory after Carl Sagan.

Rooney-Polis bill renaming Maryland’s capital after the Steelers’ owner following the Ravens loss in the AFC championship game.

Pierluisi-Perriello-Hagan bill prohibiting immigrant Irish from taking the jobs of consiglieres.

Franken-Lee “My Dear I Don’t Give a Damn” resolution honoring famous last words.

Franken-Titus bill to fund mad scientists’ work on inflammatory diseases.

Hunter-Thompson libel law reform and shotgun control act.

Hunter-Thompson ridiculous final Act.

Cao-Peters Anti-Cloning Bill

They Don't Like Me, They Really Don't Like Me!

As some of you know, I am a frequent contestant in the Washington Post’s Style Invitational contest, which more often than not awards me an honorable mention for my worst entries, ignores my really good stuff and honors people who had the same idea I did but who did not write the entry as cleverly.

This rant would be boring if I did it too much, but the honors for this week were handed out for one of my favorite contests: Write a couplet or short rhyme about anyone who died in the previous year. I got one lousy honorable mention from the following, and it is among the more obscure and least funny.

I did place high in this contest a few years ago for noting Terry Schiavo’s passing thusly:

Bill Frist thought he could diagnose better,
Making you wonder who was brain deader.

In a few hours, one of the following bon mots will have been in print. See if you can figure out which lame entry The Empress (sole judge) of the contest thought was funniest. And feel free to offer your own favorites. And I promise not to rant too much on this subject again.


Eartha Kitt
New Faces of ’52 -- the best one, maybe
Eartha Kitt’s held up till she purred “adieu, baby”

Eartha Kitt and Heath Ledger
Gained fame through really mem’rable disguises
Joker and Catwoman met their demises

Harold Pinter
Now that the word miser Harold Pinter is dead
Maybe he thinks there’s more to have been said

Tim Russert
You hosted your share of morons and clowns
Who left moaning, “Sunday morning came down”

W. Mark Felt
Hal Halbrook was fine but consider Ray Liotta
For the remake as Woodward and Bernstein’s Deep Throata

W. Mark Felt
His suspicions were sorely inchoate
Till Woodward met Mark Felt, as Deep Throate

Paul Newman
Hollywood suffered a terrible loss
And we, our popcorn and spaghetti sauce

Paul Newman
He lived his life so calmly and placidly
Not like the cliff-diving Butch Cassidly

Irvine Robbins
When ice cream gets your palate throbbin’,
Give scoops of thanks to Irvine Robbins

Irvine Robbins
Thirty-one flavors that no one hates
From Rocky Road now to “pearly gates.”

Bobby Fischer
Bobby Fischer
Was a pisher

Mickey Vernon
Mickey Vernon, a Nat, played with grace
For teams that couldn’t get past third base

Killer Kowalski
A gentle man of Polish extraction
Killer Kowalski put men in traction

Jim McKay
(A postlife interview)
“So what has your life been about, Jim? Pull up a seat!”
Said McKay: “Thrill of vict’ry – you know the rest, Saint Pete.”

Sir Edmund Hillary
“Why? asked St. Peter as he pulled up a chair.
“Simple” replied Edmund: “Because it was there.”

Georgia Frontiere
The football players paid by Frontiere
Wound up on the field on their derrieres

Genuine Risk
Genuine Risk burned up the Churchill Downs course
But she died of old age, not hung like a horse.

Johnny Podres
Treasure of the Sierra Madres
Can’t compare to the Dodgers Podres

Johnny Podres
Boys of Summer fans everywhere shed a tear
‘Cause Podres can no longer “Wait ‘til next year”

Sammy Baugh
If he played for Joe Gibbs, Mr. Sammy Baugh
Would be asked before punting to run a draw.

Mr. Blackwell
You were so bitchy ‘bout hemlines and busts
How do you look now in ashes and dust?

George Carlin
Carlin’s words could make you pucker
How we’ll miss that *&$#*$*%!&#!

George Carlin
His famous words they numbered seven
The same as minutes in a chukker
He dissed religion, God and Heaven
Said St. Pete: “Get lost, *&$#*$*%!&#!”

Jesse Helms
That sound Obama will hear for a spell
Is Jesse Helms turning over in hell

John Stewart, Nick Reynolds
Two of the Kingston Trio have died;
Join Charlie on an eternal ride

John Stewart, Nick Reynolds
Now they’ll be able to see
Their cousins in Roxbury

Roy Scheider
Roy Scheider, a character actor of note,
Crossing over, he asked for a bigger boat

Charlton Heston
For Charlton Heston, no “ifs,” “buts” or “ands”
They pried his gun from his cold dead hands

Charlton Heston
Parting the Red Sea, he made one of his stands
The last when they parted the gun from his hands

Larry Harmon
Chicagoan Larry Harmon, has died
He was Bozo, thus Senate-qualified

Mildred Loving
Won a court case that changed a nation
Made archaic “miscegenation”

Rocky Aoki
The founder of Benihana changed lives
Including those who survived flying knives

James Bevel
Bevel was close when King parted the waters
Sadly, though, he was too close to his daughters.

Albert Hofmann
Discoverer of lysergic acid diethylamide
Is not even aware that in two-thousand-and-eight he died

The Chewish Question

I have been reading a fascinating book, a collection of maybe 300 essays on life and politics in the Weimar Republic, and one of the pieces was so incisive, though written 82 years ago, I have to share it.

It seems the years in Germany between 1919 and 1933 were not about the Jews but about the chews!

The essay is by Ernst Lorsy, "The Hour of Chewing Gum," or "Die Stunde des Kaurummus," originally appearing in Das Tagebuch No. 26, June 26, 1926, pp. 913-915, in "The Weimar Republic Sourcebook" edited by Anton Kaes, Martin Jay and Edward Dimendberg and published in 1993 by the University of California Press.

Because of the fact I made an image from a pdf, this may require you to either click on the text to open it up for reading ease, or simply ignore it!

Journalism Droppings - I

Courtesy of the Bill Walsh "Blogslot," a must-read for press critics of any political stripe.



You know, I can't really blame them. At least until this country moves into the 21st century and gets fully behind telecommuting.

The Daley Show

Nothing much left to do about the election, other than hand out a couple of awards for memorable performances.

I thought I would call these “Daleys” in honor of Richard J. Daley, “Da Mair” of the Windy City from 1955 until the mid-70s, who ghettoized the city, unleashed thugs on peaceful demonstrators, helped elevate Bill Ayers to national prominence and who begat a son who helped elevate Barack Obama to the presidency.

But most of all, Richard J. Daley slaughtered the language, most memorably when he declared, “We must rise to higher and higher platitudes.”

In that spirit, I award “Daleys” to:

Barack Obama for the convoluted catchphrase: “We are the people we have been waiting for.” Another famous Chicagoan, writer Nicholas von Hoffman, may have inspired this Zennish-anyone construction when he wrote a paean to ‘60s protesters called, “We Are the People Our Parents Warned Us Against.”

Joe Biden for his remembrance of President Franklin D. Roosevelt having gone on television to speak to the American people after the 1929 stock market crash -- more than three years before FDR became president and 10 years before television existed.

Sarah Palin for her belief that the vice president runs the U.S. Senate and that political criticism violates her First Amendment rights.

William Kristol, the genetic mistake hatched by two former Communists-turned-neocons, who suggested in a column just today that liberals are not really opposed to tyranny and genocide.

John McCain for a last-minute TV commercial that asks if you would want to fly in a plane piloted by someone making his first flight – which suggests to many people an answer like:

“Yes, I would if the alternative were having to bail out over Hanoi, having the plane start a fire on an aircraft carrier, clipping power lines on a joyride in Spain, plummeting into Corpus Christi Bay, or slamming into a clump of trees on your way back from the Army-Navy game.”

And, finally, to Virginia Republican congressional candidate Keith Fimian, running for an open seat against a well-known local Democratic officeholder, by using a campaign commercial tagline against his opponent that I consider the best ever:

“Too corrupt. Even for Congress.”

Remember, tomorrow is a day that will change history. So vote early and vote often.

Political Ads Worth Watching

Al Franken stands a good chance of winning election to the Senate, but as Will Rogers always said, he won't be the first comedian making our laws.

This year's presidential election has interwoven politics and entertainment to the point that a poll today shows that Sarah Palin and Tina Fey are dead even at 37 percent as to which plays the other better.

I was amused to find the following two videos on line that further verify the trend toward Hollywood becoming Washington-on-the-San-Andreas-Fault.

Have a few laughs with Ron Howard and then Paris Hilton

Aphorism of the Day

"Jesus was a community organizer.
Pontius Pilate was a governor."

George Carlin

When George Carlin was announced as this year's winner of the Mark Twain Prize by the Kennedy Center in Washington, his response was: "Thank you Mr. Twain. Have your people call my people."

Carlin was a favorite of mine since his days as a buttoned-down, narrow-tie, crewcut standup comic on variety shows, where he might do his "Hippy Dippy Weatherman" routine. ("And the Pollen count at Mt. Sinai Hospital -- one, two, three, four ...")

Sometimes he wasn't that funny to me (though most of the time he was) but his creed must endure:

"I think it is the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

In George Carlin's memory, I will continue to do my part.

Here is 10-and-a-half minutes of the classic "Seven Words You Can Never Say on TV." Needless to say, this may be offensive to some people. You know who you are.

I've Forgotten More Than I Ever Knew

Having paid about $180 for a second time in the past six and a half years to replace a lost car key and its remote control, I am now resigned to the likelihood that the floaters looming larger around my eyes are actually bats in the belfry.
Here is what it is like, according to this well-circulated Internet "humor."

"I've recently been diagnosed with AAADD...that's Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder!!

This is how it goes...I decide to change the oil in the car.

I start to the garage, and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car...BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. So, I lay down the car keys on the desk.After discarding the junk mail, I notice the waste can is full.OK, I'll just put the bills on the desk...BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out tothe trash can, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a fewbills...yes, now where is my checkbook? Oops!

There's only one check left. Where did I put those extra checks? Oh, there's my empty cup from last night on the desk! I'm going to look for those checks...BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen.I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, so I put the cup on the counter and...

there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter! What are they doing here? I'lljust put them away...BUT FIRST, I need to water those flowers.I head for thedoor, and...Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot! OK, I'll putthe remote away and water the flowers...BUT FIRST, I need those checks...By theend of the day, the oil in the car has not been changed, the bills are still unpaid, the cup is still in the sink, the checkbook still has only one check left, and...I'VE LOST MY CAR KEYS!!!

And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm utterly baffled, because...I know i was busy the entire day!I realize this condition is serious...I need to get help...BUT FIRST,

I think I'll check my e-mail (By the way, my doctor told me that this disease ishighly contagious can be transmitted by e-mail!) So, if you want to avoid AAADD,don't read this e-mail!!! (I should've put that warning at the beginning of themessage, but I got distracted...sorry about that...you see I've not been myselflately.)

What's really sad about this is I don't even have a garage.

Delta's Gone

This posting should be sung, but only if you are Tanya Tucker or Helen Reddy.

Delta’s gone, went away just after dawn
It became a part of Northwest Air, today
Atlanta will get more red-eye flights from Singapore
And luggage will be lost in East Bombay.

Paw-Eye Coordination

I had to stop what I was doing to post this during the middle of my morning perusal of science news. Forget curing cancer, lengthening life expectancy or cold fusion. This breakthrough has infinite implications for the natural world, and the species known as "couch potato."

The Japananese have taught a rodent -- in this case something called a degus -- to use a rake. It's small, as you will see on the video accompanying the article, but if we can breed gigantic watermelons, why not breed degi (or whatever) to rake our lawns, vaccuum the den and do the laundry.

One problem, however: They like to eat bulbs, and I can see them now grabbing a rake from the shed and digging up my tulips, daffodils and lilies without having to dirty their grubby little paws.

But we humans are smarter. Should this rodent ever eat my bulbs, I would give it a scooper and assign it to clean the cat litter.

Silver Medal

Well, like Mitt Romney I won a silver medal, but unlike Mitt Romney this was for displaying a modicum of wit. To wit, I placed second in the Washington Post Style Invitational this week. (Click on Week 752). The “prize” is a Steve Irwin beanbag doll. I know major media corporations are struggling, but this is ridiculous! (Ridicule being the coin of this 15-year enterprise.)

I knew I would win some mention, because I think I know what the “Empress” (the sole judge) thinks is funny. Unfortunately, the entries I get ink for are ones I don’t think were my best and, conversely, entirely brilliant bon mots blush unseen.

This contest was to make up a funny short poem about someone who died in 2007. My 2^nd place entry was about the passing of Carlo Ponti, film producer and husband of Sophia Loren:

The Roman figure Ponti made great:
XXXVIII-XXIV-XXXVIII

Here are my other entries:

Merv Griffin

What a shame we must bid

A poignant adieu

To the creator of

“Final Jeopardieu”

Merv Griffin

In show biz he never had blundered.

“‘Who was Merv Griffin?’-- for two hundred.”

Bob Carroll, writer for Lucille Ball

Before he made St. Pete’s select few

Bob Carroll had some ‘splainin’ to do

Vincent Sardi, restaurateur

Another openin’, another show

I hope Vince Sardi ain’t down below

Ian Richardson, British actor (and star of American TV commercial)

From Prince Hamlet to King Richard the Second

Richardson’s career became ever more fecund

Until he cashed in and asked as he trouped on,

"Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?”

Werner von Trapp

He helped put the Austrian Alps on the map

The hills are now dead as is Werner von Trapp

Warren Avis, how sad that he died,

No matter how much harder he tried

Boots Randolph

Yakkety Saxxety

Musical novelty

Played in the background on

Elvis’s tracks

Blowing his horn on jobs

Enthusiastic’lly

No knocking Boots, for he

Practiced safe sax

Benazir Bhutto

Ev’ryone from Punjab to Pluto

Knew the future of Madam Bhutto

Benazir Bhutto

The Western world gave her millions of kudos

But couldn’t protect one more of the Bhuttos

Anna Nicole Smith

Ms. Smith’s body chemistry astounded the docs,

MSNBC, Cable News Network and Fox

Bob Evans

Hoggledy Poggledy
Patties of sausages
Restaurant chain linkage
Doing no harm.

Breakfast for travelers
Porcineintestinal
Bob Evans finally
Did buy the farm.

Joey Bishop

Did Joseph Gottlieb ever kiss up?

It’s how he became Joey Bishop!

Don Ho

Tiny bubbles were the prescription primus

For Don Ho -- and, no, I do not mean Imus

Arthur Schlesinger and Robert Goulet

Camelot’s two eminences grise,

Schlesinger and Goulet, did decease

Evel Knievel

Evel Knievelly

Montana born and bred

Jumped over obstacles

Spilling plenty of gut:

The Snake River Canyon,

Aerodynamically,

Broke 40 bones but

None in his Butte

Norman Mailer

He swore like a sailor

Did Norman Mailer

And wrote like a journo

Sometimes as pourno

Charles Nelson Reilly

Flibberty Jibbety

Hollywood Squares wit

Sat in the middle as

O or an X.

Tony Award winner,

Theatricality --

Charles Nelson Reilly of

Middling sex

Yvonne De Carlo

Fred Gwynne played the dad, a monstrous dummy,

But Yvonne starred as the Munster mummy

Don Herbert

Television -- so much bleaker

Without Mr. Wizard’s beaker

Frankie Laine

Dogs may bark, on rolls the mule train

But not, alas, with Frankie Laine

Mstislav Rostropovich

National Symphony

Slava Rostro’povich

Fighting for human rights,

Cellist sublime

Nothing was finer than

Dvorak’s D-minor

Played in tune; sadly, he

Ran out of time

Michelangelo Antonioni (avant garde film director)

Phony, baloney was

M. Antonioni

Making weird cinema

With camera shots deft

Zabriskie Point-less

Anti-American

Blowing up shibboleth

By panning left

Porter Wagoner

Porter Wagoner, who crooned with such ease,

Launched Dolly Parton -- and her double-Ds

More Style Invitational

Finally, I am back in the Washington Post Style Invitational (see "Report from Week 746") circle of "losers," the affectionate name given to those ego-driven hacks with no lives who churn out bon mots destined to circulate forever on the Internet.

The results this week were for a contest asking for humorous slogans for countries. Here were my entries, the two "honorable mentions" noted by asterisk. Naturally, all of the following entries were better than the best of the actual winners, but you can be the judge:

Afghanistan – The Ultimate Hideaway
Albania – Tirana Boom-De-Ay
Algeria – We Almost Had Paris.
Azerbaijan – A Pronounced Experience
Bangladesh – Where Ferries Go to Sink
Burma – A Close Shave for Dissidents
Chad – Where Elections Hang in the Balance

* China – Come Visit Your Money!

China – Lead-free by 2033

Djibouti -- Calls R Us
Germany – Everyone is Taken by Us (Especially Poland and Austria)
Iceland – The Real Melting Pot: Where Global Warming Begins.

* Iran – World’s Largest Non-American Theocracy

Korea, North – Still Crazy After All These Years
Kyrgyzstan – Ancstrl Hm f Pt Sjk and Vnn Wht
Morocco – Here’s Looking at You, Qa'id
Morocco -- Where Three Little People Almost Amount to a Hill of Beans.
Niger – Home of Yellowcake and Limericks
Niger – Pronounce It Wrong and We’ll Kill You
Nigeria – Capital of Confidential Proposals
Nigeria – Global Training Center for Taxi-Driving Medical Students
Palestinian Authority – Neither, not Either
Poland – Never Taken for Granted, But Sometimes Taken by Germany and Russia
Saudia Arabia – Give Us A Hand
Saudia Arabia – Hands Off Our Crime Policy
Tajikistan – Gateway to Kyrgyztan
United States – Land of the Free and Home of the Native-American and Other Indigenous Peoples United States -- Where Elections Also Can Last Four Days
Vatican City – By the See
Vietnam – Let Saigon Be Bygone.
Virgin Islands – Last Resort for Suicide Bombers
Zimbabwe – Last in War, Last in Peace and Last in the U.N. Roll Call

and
…

Northern Ireland: Where the IRA is now just another investment vehicle.

Dan Blather and Wolf Plotzer in the E.R.

One of the funniest words in English, (OK, Latin), is "borborygmi." It is the technical word for the noises, or rumbling, in your stomach caused by the movement of gas.

Which brings me to television political pundits and this recent posting to "Blogborygmi," a humorous and informative blog by Nicholas Genes, M.D., Ph.D., about life in what used to be called the "emergency room" but has been since promoted to the "emergency department."

If Political Pundits Covered an Emergency Department Shift

This long, rambling dialog took shape while I walked home from the ED just now, to yet another night of surprising election results. To follow the analogy, just substitute "doctors" with "voters," "patients" with "primaries" ... and the causes of abdominal pain... as major US presidential candidates:

Jeff Greenfield: If you’re joining us from home, this is a very special night in the ER. After hearing about diseases for so long, a group of doctors is finally going to step up and decide what's ailing a waiting room full of patients.

Wolf Blitzer: It’s a big night, no doubt, and let’s see how doctors are evaluating their first patient.

Dan Rather: She’s a young woman with several hours of periumbilical pain. Now it seems to hurt a little more on the right. She’s vomited. That's all we've been able to uncover.

Chris Matthews: I was talking with some of the doctors tonight. While they've obviously given this a lot of thought, many seemed ready to back appendicitis.

Anderson Cooper: Appendicitis has received major endorsements from several surgeons, and it clearly has the name-recognition among the general public. It’s a heavy hitter.

Jeff Greenfield: The ER docs are conferring. I wonder what they’re discussing?

Keith Olbermann: Maybe they want to know if the patient is pregnant? Afebrile? I think they’re ordering labs of some kind.

Doris Kearns Goodwin: Well, it hardly seems to matter at this time, Keith. Appendicitis has a well-honed message of fear. These doctors, facing uncertain times, can’t afford to back a dark horse diagnosis now.

Larry King: I think I heard one doc mention torsion. What do you think of that?

Jeff Greenfield: Torsion is very popular among this demographic.

George Stephanopoulos: You know, torsion has surprised me a lot recently. Women *and* men seem pretty impressed by the pain and damage from gonads twisting on a stalk. This is one diagnosis they don’t want to overlook.

Larry King: Well, here we go. The patient’s getting a CT scan. And there’s the wet read! We are calling it appendicitis!

Wolf Blitzer: Amazing. You know, grassroots organization really carried appendicitis in this first key patient of the night. Everybody knows somebody who's lost their appendix -- and that kind of familiarity with the disease really figured into the doctor’s decision-making.

George Will: And, you know, as I look across the waiting room at all the patients clutching their bellies, I really think appendicitis is going to run the table tonight.

Jeff Greenfield: You think everyone with abdominal pain has appendicitis?

Anderson Cooper: Appendicitis has the momentum, Jeff. Its brand is strong.

Chris Matthews: Appendicitis has reached the top of the differential by borrowing from so many other diseases. It's like a chameleon. And these doctors are just blown away by its broad appeal across so many key demographic groups. They're true believers.

Jeff Greenfield: Here’s another patient. The doctors are evaluating him. How do you think this one’s going to turn out?

Ted Koppel: A wise man once said, if you want to know what’s ailing the patient, you ought to ask the patient. And measure vitals, do a physical exam, and consider some imaging and labs – and also, spend some time building an appreciation of pathology.

Chris Matthews: I don’t know, I’m ready to just call this one for appendicitis.

Sean Hannity: Appendicitis is a *juggernaut*. The other diagnoses should just *give up*.

Dan Rather: You know, the other day I was talking with an agent of Yersinia... From a certain point of view, Yersinia and appendicitis have a lot in common.

Chris Matthews: Yersinia’s time has passed. It’s embarrassing that Yersinia is still on the differential diagnosis.

Larry King: The doctors are looking up something... prior visits, it would seem. And now, orders are going in.

Dan Rather: I don’t see any calls to surgery, nor is there a CT scan ordered. We may be looking at a major upset.

Larry King: They’ve given their fluids, pepcid... and some reglan! And they’re moving on!

Tim Russert: Gastroenteritis! The doctors have spoken.

Jeff Greenfield: Unbelievable. This is a huge setback for appendicitis.

Wolf Blitzer: But what an amazing comeback for an old standby. Lately gastroenteritis didn’t really seem to have the vision, or the ability to reach doctors on a visceral level anymore. Tonight it seemed almost like an afterthought, especially with that first patient.

Dan Rather: Acute gastroenteritis has pulled itself back from the diagnostic abyss.

Tim Russert: I have to wonder what the doctors are basing their decision-making on. It’s almost as though there are factors besides momentum that play into their thought process.

George Stephanopoulos: I think doctors were trying to send appendicitis a message – appy’s got to earn its spot at the top. The doctor's aren't so enamored with it anymore, that's for sure.

Anderson Cooper: Well, it just goes to show, doctors are a fickle bunch. There’s still a long way to go in this shift, and now the ER is a battleground for disease.

Dan Rather: This is where the fun starts.

Forgive the length. And I don't mean to imply that the presidential candidates cause upset stomachs. Just that voter's decisions, like medical decisions, are a good deal more sophisticated than the talking heads give them credit for. If pundits spend time on fundamentals, like policies and platforms, instead of candidates' momentum and maneuvering, they might improve their accuracy -- and at the very least, render more of a service to their viewers.

Disclosure: The author of this here blog, The Nitty Gritty, is related to a television political pundit and finds the best way to digest such conventional wisdom is with the sound off. Really. No one remembers what you said, anyway. Just how you looked. This does not work well, however, on National Public Radio's "All Things Considered," where my personal pundit will have a weekly spot at 4:45 p.m. Eastern time on Thursdays starting Jan. 31.

Pet Peeve: Television anchors, and occasionally some pundits themselves, who pronounce it "pundit." As in the answer to the question, "What's the best option on 4th and 15 on your own 30?"